God's Advanced Directives For Our Loved Ones

 The disconcerting thing about the different stages in life is that you just about settle in and start to understand one stage, when you are pushed to step into the next  The expression, “older and wiser” may have credence, but isn’t it just as true that we find change more challenging as we age?

  I’m officially in that sandwich generation stage.  I can’t pinpoint the day I entered this unknown territory, but it was recent.  Last weekend, my adult daughter considerately watched and warned me of ice and other hazards as we traipsed through woods.  The weeks before that, I made frequent trips to my parents’, taking them to doctors’ appointments, assuring them about their medications, and encouraging them to eat.

  Dad started with a painful bronchitis cough, which he shared with mom and I. Despite pushing myself to drink LOTS of juice and soothing lemon and honey tea, my doctor diagnosed dehydration as the cause of my mental and physical weariness.  My parent’s doctor told them the same, with a warning that if they did not hydrate themselves soon, he would be admitting them to a hospital.  That motivation worked. All three of us now sing the praises of electrolytes and the fairly quick, positive boost they gave to our chemical balance.   What a piece of work is man’s physiology!  The outrageous number of specialized, cell-level details working in precise ways to produce health, gives us a glimpse of God’s creative genius.

  My parents’ medical care coordinator asked if I could assist my parents in, “completing their Advanced Directives, the sooner the better.”    Because I had spent 14 years as a hospice volunteer coordinator, I was familiar with end of life discussions, encouraging families to find out their loved one’s wishes for medical care, and preplanning funerals.  The Lord had softened my heart to be sympathetic as I encouraged and trained others to ask the necessary questions most people want to postpone.  However, as if experiencing a different dimension of reality, it was time to have these discussions with MY parents.  At 87 and 88 1/2 years old, with lung problems and needing help with everyday tasks, it was my turn to “practice what I preached” in my own family.

  The hour and a half car rides from Manitowoc to my parents’ (and my childhood) Muskego home, gave me ample time to pray.

Dear Heavenly Father,

  Thank you for being a God that listens to, welcomes and answers prayer.  I need strength.  I feel so blessed that my parents are still here. Very few of my friends still enjoy that benefit.  I need to be emotionally and physically strong to help them, Jesus.  Work the miracle of taking away my fears and tears, so we can have a good, honest, needed discussion about their end of life.  What can I say and do to lovingly, seriously work through their medical directives and preferences?  Open their hearts and minds so they realize the importance and urgency, without thinking we are pushing them into the grave.  I have confidence, through you, that you will either heal my beloved ones here or in heaven.  Put the right words in my mouth. Comfort my parents.  Thank you for being there with us, question by question, step by step. 

  Asking my sweet, frail mother if she wants “CPR attempted unless I have an incurable illness or injury and am dying” (she does),  or donate any organs or “an autopsy if it can help advance medicine” (she does not), was arduous but not emotionally overwhelming.  Convinced of the comfort it will give our family in the (near?) future, and feeling privileged to personally hear their preferences, helped me hold emotions in check.  Although my dad wanted me to record, “You know what I want...I’m going to a better place” for each question on the form, he eventually checked the box: I want my health care agent to be able to make decisions for me about life-sustaining treatment, and “pastor visits” would be “important to me for comfort.”

  Then came those heartfelt questions and concerns about death and what happens next.  “I look forward to heaven, but I don’t want to go through dying alone”  “What God created on earth, all the beautiful things, are so overwhelming, won’t we be overwhelmed when we see him face to face?”   “I want to be with and see my parents again.”   “What will we do in heaven?  Pastor Jeske says he’s probably going to be a cafeteria worker, like he was before he was a pastor. Is that true?”   “ Why do I still feel guilty, even though I know Christ died for me, and paid the way?” 

  I was excited and grateful to discuss these things! Does that make me strange?   How many people wish they had brought things out in the open before their loved ones died or got too sick to ask?  God graciously brought Scripture to my mind and I was able to share His promises of  “I go and prepare a place for you…I will wipe every tear from your eyes…No man has seen or heard what God has prepared for those who love him….While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us… As a father has compassion on his children, the Lord has compassion on those who fear (respect with holy awe) him… I will never leave you or forsake you.”  

  As much as my heart was joy-filled to be used by God to assure my parents of his love and grace, I was embarrassed and a bit ashamed I hadn’t emphasized this before that day. Why hadn’t I?   

  If each person would take some time in a quiet place to think, wouldn’t the questions of life-purpose and what happens after this life, naturally come up?  When we are brutally honest, can we see how we fill our lives with distractions from our spiritual hunger?  Why do I wait until someone moves out of my world, before I fully appreciate them?  

  The halls of funeral homes hold the many sighs of people expressing regret. “Why didn’t I ask…?  How I wish we would have talked about……” 

  What will motivate me to urgently express my love and the Lord’s trustworthy promises at each God-given opportunity?   

  What might encourage you to do the same?