Seven Secrets for Real Writing Skill

   Sitting at my computer keyboard, comfortable in my fuzzy kitty pajamas, flavored coffee warming my right hand, I wondered if I had written enough to warrant another snack break.  Retiring from part time employment had been difficult, especially coming up with praise-worthy excuses to the “So what do you do with all your free time?” prying questions.  My answer echoed that of other

indecisive women, “I think I’ll write a book.”  

   If you are in my position (except maybe not in pajamas at your keyboard) you may also be thinking, “English classes were a heck of a long time ago.  There may be some writing rules I don’t remember. They may have even invented new ones!  I better relearn the basic dos and don’ts of becoming an award-winning author.”

   And if reviewing your MLA Handbook for Writers seems too daunting a task—I have a gift for you. It’s time for the following secrets to be shared.

The Real Writing Rules Revealed  (Fink Methodology)

#1. Even when you don’t feel like it, write in a way that acknowledges and respects your readers.  When writing for millennials avoid terms like airhead snowflakes, generation clueless and saggy-pants tree huggers, if you want them to tweet or insta-something your stuff. 

    If your audience includes older folks, use a crossword puzzle clue website to find alternative words for geezer, coot,  AARPer,  codger or oldgoat (yes, in crossword puzzles that counts for one word). 

    Egotistical readers may not be mature enough to handle when their selfishness is obviously pointed out in your nonfiction pieces.“Abounding in love for many things, including self” or “extreme self esteem”, may be easier personality descriptions for swellheads to swallow. 

   One way to test out acceptable terminology is to call people by those terms and see if they get offended.

#2.  Many

      people

      prefer

      lists

      of info

      to read

      because

      it’s faster

      and

      they

      are lazy,

     (I mean

      busy).

 #3.Theoldrulessaidonespacebetweeneachwordand2spacesbetweensentencesbutnowwithcomputersallthathasgoneouttheliterarywindow.  

NOW  you can be  creative with fonts,  font size,    s p a c e s  &

use of    ◘    ♂   ♪    ♫    ☺   ☼    ◄   ↕  ‼  especially 

if you are self-publishing or printing or marketing.

#4.  SURPRISE!  Now-a-days writing includes doing most of the publishing/printing/marketing  yourself.  You might like to be especially nice to smart people who can help. L

#5. Including impressive alliteration improves eye-brain integration, illuminating interesting reading interpretations.  

#6. You dern well better have an awesome sauce excuse for using dat dere local chit chat jaw-yapping, or dem schmancy wanna-be readers will high-tail it to some other dude for readin stuff.

#7.  This last coveted tip is guaranteed to impress high brow literature snobs and English professors at outstanding universities.  Using this writer’s technique will raise your status to a proficient money-making author!  Follow these steps carefully:

A. Write a short paragraph of simple sentences.

             B.  Add descriptive adverbs and adjectives.

             C.  Replace all the simple verbs with Complex or Powerful Verbs (Google a list).

D.  Find the largest, most complete online Thesaurus (pronounced as if it were a type of dinosaur) and replace all simple words with eloquent, scholastic and impressive sounding (even if you don’t know the meaning) words.

 Print out this blog and practice the # 7 process here, right now:

   As you put these well-drafted writing treasures into practice, I look forward to hearing of your authoring success.  I also consent to share in your financial achievements, to assuage your plagiarism guilt.  

                                                     You’re most welcome.